LOOK! UP ON MY THIGH! IT's A BIRD! ITs A PLANE! IT', uh it's you! nasty get down!

When I was a chilld , I wished that I had a super-power DEATH-RAY that I could shoot from my eyes. Thirty years later, and it's clear I got a BORE-YOU-TO-DEATH-RAY that I shoot from my mouth - be careful wishing.
Above is Terrell Owens 2007-08 Cowboys uniform....too much? Next my attempt at the HUMAN TORCH : too many peple think there's a problem when you "Flame-ON!" (never mind the deluge of "go-Girl" that follows) and douse you before you can explain that being on fire is your super-power so most of the time it's like being the Human Guy with Wet Hair and inflammable shorts.

Then there's the classisc, all-american, never married, frequently in the company of same-sex minors, Lycra-wearing, said you'd call again but that's all you "super' guys can manage...sure, kid, I'll call ya!...feeble

The Harder I Think, The Decider I Get

C.I.A./NSA Link OSAMA BIN LADEN to KING OF THE MOON

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a high level Administration Staffer confirmed," All our worst fears are now realized. Apparently toying with FELIX and POINDEXTER is no longer sufficiently EVIL for MASTER CYLINDER and he has joined OSAMA BIN LADEN in declaring war against the Infidel."

What could this UNHOLY ALLIANCE mean? An endless supply of 1930's automobile parts to begin with...


...also...why does MASTER CYLINDER have nipples? Does that worry anyone but me?

GOVERNMENT WARNING:FELIX LINKED TO TACHYCARDIA

Felix the cat
The wonderful, wonderful cat
Whenever he gets in a fix
He reaches into his bag of tricks

Felix the cat
The wonderful, wonderful cat
You'll laugh so much your sides will ache
Your heart will go pit-a-pat
Watching Felix the wonderful cat

satire

The following satirical piece is written "as if" I am a close-minded buffoon who believes that unless English is made our official language (shouldn't we be able to speak it above a 4th Grade level first?) we will somehow be compromised as a nation. HOGWASH!

Begin satire now:

Now I betchur wondrin' (he goes colloquial for the slope shouldered, mouth breathing set) what has my RED, WHITE AND TRUE BLUE drawers twisted so tight I'm chewin' on the waist band? Well, I'll tell ya'll!

Why is it when I go to my neighborhood fast-food establishment to refill the tummy at midday, I AM FORCED TO ORDER IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE...SPANISH YET? The language of our 21st Century Conquistadors who earn $3/hr & come pouring over our unguarded borders armed with a desire to eat and feed their children.

Whether I have my sights on TACO BELL, TACO JOHN's (must be where Taco Ho's eat) TACO BUENO or my favorite ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET PANCHO'S, Each and Every food item has to be ordered in its MEXICAN name.

Burrrritto Enchilada Salsa Tortilllia Chimmy Chamanga Quesadillio...the list goes on and on.

Are these MEXICAN owned restaurants?...Hell no, nobody that works there earns enough to own the joint!

Just who are these establishments catering to? Illegal Alien Mexican Immigrant Criminals? Cain't be! They don't earn enough to eat there!

I am left with one OUTRAGEOUS UNFOUNDED ASSUMPTION that DEFIES LOGIC and therefore must be the TRUTH!

We white- , uh I mean red-blooded GOD BLESS AMERICANS are slowly becoming BI-LINGUAL which is just one titch removed from BI-PARTISAN or *gulp* BI-SEXUAL!!!

It's time to purify your menu AMERICA! DROP THAT CHALUPA before you start saluting the MEXICAN Flag (which is oddly tortilla-shaped.)

COME ON, GET MAD, GET STUPID, USE LOT'S OF EXCLAMATION POINTS AND ASTERISKS (!!!!!********)

IF YOU THINK I'M A RAMBLING XENOPHOBIC (look it up, someone you know has a dictionary) HILLBILLY AND YOU AGREE WITH MY HEIGHTENED SENSE OF PARANOIA (dictionary) PASS THIS MESSAGE ON!

IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH MY IDIOTIC STANCE AGAINST THE SLOW MALEVOLENT CREEP OF ETHNIC FOODS AND THEIR EFFECT ON YOUR PATRIOTISM THAN... YOU ARE JUST PART OF THE COMBINATION PLATTER.

READ IT! EAT IT! DELETE IT! BUT MOST OF ALL, FORWARD IT WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING IT! GOD BLESS LOU DOBBS!

fear

i have a tiny fear so small it itches in my head.
i think it only sometimes when i'm safely in my bed.
what if the thing that keeps me living may someday leave me for dead?
it must be clearly marked, a switch, a tiny switch so small the itch.
or knobs that need to be adjusted just to breathe. what if mine's busted?
the doctor says YOU'RE JUST DEPRESSED and ARE YOU SUICIDAL?
i answer no i've never been could that be coincidal?
a fail-safe switch for when i'm dark so i can live tomorrow.
i have a tiny switch so small it itches in my head.
a safety-switch that makes me smile at night when i'm in bed.

I am Auditioning to Replace ex-Planet Pluto with Me!

Imagine, my giant blue head orbiting the sun in an enormous eliptical orbit that takes more than a human lifetime to complete. Who knows, at some time of the year I might apear as a faint blue speck in the firmament.

Planet Timothy! A place so cold it burns, so hot you freeze! And the atmosphere is so open and accepting that it is INSTANTLY DEADLY to Rednecks, Bigots, Hypocrits, the Self-Righteous, televangelists, Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwel, Rush Limbaugh, skinheads, Osama Bin Laden, O.J. Simpson, Scott Peterson, Dr. Philand the Willing Stupid.

It's World AIDS Day and I'll Cry If I Want To

"Oh the Junkie is a Person in Your Neighborhood...

...In Your Neighborhood, In Your Neighborhood. They're the People that you Meet, When You're Walkin' Down the Street. They're the People That You Meet Each Day."
And so it came to pass that Timothy, having narrowly avoided a complicated encounter with the Junkie-Girl at the bus stop last week, runs into her in his apartment building where she is temporarily living. Junkie-Girl happy. Timothy not so much. She asks if she can visit him, he says NO! and explains that things at home for him are chaotic (lie.) but he is glad to see her (lie.)
So on the following day, as he paid his December rent, he explained to the managers of the property what he knew about Junkie-Girl, his fear that she is actively using and his certainty that if she isn't "clean" she's lying and planning to steal if necessary. Nothing personal, Junkie-Girl, but Timothy's been a lying, stealing addict before and well, it really does take one to know one.
Timothy tries to have Junkie-Girl removed from where he lives to establish safe Boundaries, right? They taught him that, he's sure. Still he feels like a coward.

At Least I Only Have One Cat...So Far

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to re-introduce the love of my life, and my only child, Miss Stinkerella Louise Fifi Hogan. She answers to "Stinky," though she has no aroma to speak of, it's far more a description of her personality. "Stinkerella" pays homage to Cinderella since my friend David and I rescued her from a shelter (where I'm sure they had her sweeping out chimneys). She shares my maternal grandmother's middle name "Louise" out of love for my grandmother and the surprising number of personality traits they share. "Fifi" was entirely psychically inspired - I feel she danced at the FOLLIES BERGERE in a past, taller and less hairy incarnation (although I suppose there ARE a lot of small hairy French women?). As her adoptive father, she shares my last name.

Here I could launch into a laundry list of "the wonderful things she does..." but as a single 42 year old gay man I am working really hard on the delusion that I MIGHT still be a man under here somehow.

No laughing.