Sunday, July 30, 2006
Well...well, here again, at long last. I thought I woud be here daily, really. I thought that this BLOG held me in thrall so securely that I would never stray. Sad that "things" managed to derail my devotion to the only creative outlet in my crazy life. I was destined for the "artsy fartsy" and only abandoned my MUSE when LIFE decided that I needed to struggle. But this isn't about whining. LIFE (or SHIT) happens. It cares not for who (whom?) it strikes, it just strikes. I've felt like I have a bullseye painted on my back but that's just perception...not reality. Much worse things happen to other people.
I had always assumed that when beset by LIFE'S trials, I would find a state of GRACE. Instead, I became a mewling pitiful recipient of LIFE'S little dramas. HIV, Depression, Anxiety, Chemical Dependency, TMG, RLS, EIEIO and, oh yes, a couple of Heart Attacks at 42 just to make things interesting. I've asked "WHY?", but I know that is unanswerable. There is no WHY. Only WHAT NEXT?
And whatever is NEXT, I must be prepared to accept it and NOT medicate it. My pain can't lead to pills or alcohol or street drugs. I must confront my FEAR unaltered. The worry isn't problem solving, it's just an unhealthy excercise in repetition.
I don't know if I'm read at all. For now, that can't matter. I hope to deal with my PAIN & FEAR on this BLOG. If you've the stomach for it...read along.