I watch way too much TV news. I'll admit it. My name is Timothy and I'm a Breaking News addict. Oh, it may make me indispensable at boring dinner parties because I can add color to any lagging conversation (that I'm not already monopolizing) but lately I've been playing a game in my head (don't tell my Doctors) that makes all news coverage more fun even for the casual Local News watcher.
Have you ever added the phrase "in bed" after you read a Fortune Cookie fortune? Hilarious! (or was it the Mai-Tais?) This is just like that except that you follow each news headline with "and we're all gonna die." Here are a few examples:
SCIENTISTS UNCOVER SIGNS OF HUMAN IMPACT TO GLOBAL WARMING and we're all gonna die!
RECORD COLD TEMPERATURES GRIP THE NATION and we're all gonna die!
THE DOW-JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE PLUMMETS FIVE PERCENT and we're all gonna die!
MIDDLE EAST PEACE NEGOTIATIONS BREAK DOWN and we're all gonna die! -hmm could be...
HILLARY CLINTON WAY AHEAD IN NATIONAL POLLS and we're all gonna die! -I put it under the FOX NEWS logo on purpose
AMERICANS DISPLAY RECORD VOTER APATHY and we're all gonna die! -some truth to that one
MONKEY POX, SARS, BIRD FLEW AND AIDS COMBINE AS NEW SUPER-VIRUS and we're all gonna die! -well, maybe
TMZ.COM VIDEOTAPES BRITNEY SPEARS GIVING BIRTH TO THE ANTI-CHRIST and we're all gonna die! -if anyone pays attention, yawn!
99 YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER OF SIX WHO JUST GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL AFTER 80 YEARS RESCUES KITTEN FROM STORM DRAIN WITH WHAT SHE LEARNED IN METAL-SHOP and we're all gonna die! -not every story is a perfect fit
My point (Oooh! I actually have one today) is that all news items today seem to be delivered as if "and we're all gonna die" is implied. Like silent "E" only filled with death, destruction and disaster (the three "Ds" of broadcasting.) So the next time you find yourself in front of the tube with the news on, say it loud to Katie, Brian, Anderson or whatever butt-monkey they have on at FOX News.
-AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
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